Kids!

You are not  a teenager yet! Stop acting like it!

What is a 9 year old exactly? Tween I think they are called? Well she's not 9 for another 6 (count them!) days, but she certainly acts like she knows it all & rules the world.

I'm so over it. You'd honestly think the overly loud & proud 5 year old would be be up there with the tantrumming 3 year old & 6 month old non sleeping baby, but, no. They are the easier ones.
Its the 9 year old who has no respect for her mother & wouldn't dare do something to help someone else out, unless she gains from it.

What the hell did I do wrong? Have more babies?
She seems to think she should be the centre of my world & noone else should count.

Her biggest competition is Bri. When Bri was born Jaz was ecstatic. She adored every second of her little sister. Wanted to help me so much that she tipped an entire tin of formula down the sink while I was asleep one morning coz she was making the baby a bottle.... (Thank the Lord for breastmilk! I only had the formula there for back up!)

I don't know when it changed. I don't know when she started to dislike Bri. Its really become obviouse over the past 2 or so years. I think since Jaz's been getting older & I've been asking/expecting more of her.

Of course Jesse, at 3 has the whole 'monkey see, monkey do' thing happening. So between him & Jaz poor Bri is being attacked left, right & centre :(
The name calling & violence from my first born breaks my heart :( She doesn't even bother to hide it from me!

She's a stirrer. Almost daily she'll have Jesse crying coz she's stiring him up. Just 3 seconds ago she had him pinned to the floor under her foot, him crying, her giggling at him, amused. But of course she's doing 'nothing'!

She's like her dad :( I always swore to myself that my kids would not grow up to be like their father, but Jaz & Jesse are already there. Self centered, egotistical & jelouse :( & Bri is bearing the brunt of it all.

I don't know how to do this anymore... I'm sick of wondering where I fucked up :( I already know the answer. Its in the genes. None of us would've ever dared to do or say the things she does & she was raised no differently to me.


Of course I was also a young mum. Pregnant with Jaz at 17. So I dealt with judgement everywhere I turned back then. Even now, when I say I have another 2 or 3 at school, I get looks & comments. Most recently from a check out chick at woollies! 'Why'd you have 4?' To annoy people like you, twat.

I've always put my everything into my kids. Sure I've had my drunken nights out. When I was younger, every few weeks when I could, if family looked after the kids. But they've never been left with anyone else. They are my kids & I don't feel right having someone else look after them.

I'm screwed up enough that I don't dare even ask my useless husband to watch them to give me a break :(
'You had them' is the answer I've had countless times.

So I just suck it up, hide whats going on inside, try not to strangle anyone & keep going.
There is no other way...

My blog...

So... Where to start?

Sitting in bed, rocking Summer on my lap, Jesse next to me, waiting oh so impatiently for them both to crash out, while having a heated text argument with my husband, over absolute crap, after a shitty day... Welcome to my life!

The day started at 5am.
7.30 I have 4 kids dressed & out the door. Off to the big city (to us, lol) for a biopsy on an enlarged lymph node on Jaz's neck. Its been there for years, but changed towards the end of last year, getting bigger, then smaller again.
We know its not something to worry about, but its still there, so along with our gp we figure it should be biopsied, just to be on the safe side.
9am we finally get there to be told they don't think its necessary to go that far.

So not happy!

THEN because they decide to rescan, they charge me $50 (rather than $80) for something I could've had done locally!!!!! I took 4 kids in the car (school holidays) over an hour away, for something I could've had done 20 minutes away from home, at a much more convenient time!

Then silly me decides to make the most of the wasted trip by attempting some op shopping... Big mistake!!

But we survive.

Then we get home, unload the crap, unload the kids lug them all inside...

Realise there's been no text to husband. Woops, find phone (still in car) get ready to text husband knowing work is finished & he can now read, to let him know what happened...

First, there is a text from husband. No 'how'd it go' or anything remotely nice. Just a long list of abuse coz I hadn't contacted him though the day.

Reasonable you think? Considering the circumstances? Yeah, til you know him & realise the only reason he needs these updates from me is coz he's so controlling he needs to know what I do every single second of the day! He didn't try speaking to his scared shitless daughter last night to reassure her she'd be ok. Just said in a text to pass on the message... after I mentiond it.

Now the argument has been cut short with a 'night' & all the babies are asleep.
It may be time for me to do whats desperately needed & clean... but I think I'll facebook it then sleep, snuggled up to my little man...





I have 4 beautiful kids I get to hug each & every day. All I ask of my life is for that to continue til the day I die. I look at them sleeping every night & thank God I have them.
Some believe, some don't, some have recently lost all faith. But I have to thank someone for what I have.
My kids might back chat, use naughty words, make a mess & make me want to rip out my hair, but I have them. Here, with me, causing me trouble. The way its meant to be.
I have the world right here with me. I now know just how lucky I am x