Kids!

You are not  a teenager yet! Stop acting like it!

What is a 9 year old exactly? Tween I think they are called? Well she's not 9 for another 6 (count them!) days, but she certainly acts like she knows it all & rules the world.

I'm so over it. You'd honestly think the overly loud & proud 5 year old would be be up there with the tantrumming 3 year old & 6 month old non sleeping baby, but, no. They are the easier ones.
Its the 9 year old who has no respect for her mother & wouldn't dare do something to help someone else out, unless she gains from it.

What the hell did I do wrong? Have more babies?
She seems to think she should be the centre of my world & noone else should count.

Her biggest competition is Bri. When Bri was born Jaz was ecstatic. She adored every second of her little sister. Wanted to help me so much that she tipped an entire tin of formula down the sink while I was asleep one morning coz she was making the baby a bottle.... (Thank the Lord for breastmilk! I only had the formula there for back up!)

I don't know when it changed. I don't know when she started to dislike Bri. Its really become obviouse over the past 2 or so years. I think since Jaz's been getting older & I've been asking/expecting more of her.

Of course Jesse, at 3 has the whole 'monkey see, monkey do' thing happening. So between him & Jaz poor Bri is being attacked left, right & centre :(
The name calling & violence from my first born breaks my heart :( She doesn't even bother to hide it from me!

She's a stirrer. Almost daily she'll have Jesse crying coz she's stiring him up. Just 3 seconds ago she had him pinned to the floor under her foot, him crying, her giggling at him, amused. But of course she's doing 'nothing'!

She's like her dad :( I always swore to myself that my kids would not grow up to be like their father, but Jaz & Jesse are already there. Self centered, egotistical & jelouse :( & Bri is bearing the brunt of it all.

I don't know how to do this anymore... I'm sick of wondering where I fucked up :( I already know the answer. Its in the genes. None of us would've ever dared to do or say the things she does & she was raised no differently to me.


Of course I was also a young mum. Pregnant with Jaz at 17. So I dealt with judgement everywhere I turned back then. Even now, when I say I have another 2 or 3 at school, I get looks & comments. Most recently from a check out chick at woollies! 'Why'd you have 4?' To annoy people like you, twat.

I've always put my everything into my kids. Sure I've had my drunken nights out. When I was younger, every few weeks when I could, if family looked after the kids. But they've never been left with anyone else. They are my kids & I don't feel right having someone else look after them.

I'm screwed up enough that I don't dare even ask my useless husband to watch them to give me a break :(
'You had them' is the answer I've had countless times.

So I just suck it up, hide whats going on inside, try not to strangle anyone & keep going.
There is no other way...