Its been months. My laptop shite itself & had to go back & life just got hectic, so I haven't been back.
I just started reading a friends blog about her son that I wish I'd read before. (miss you every day Lulu)
So, I have Bri's diagnosis. Sensory Processing Issues, ADD & possible ADHD. But its a bit hard to diagnose the ADHD when her sensory seeking is very similar behaviour.
She's a seeker. She seeks sensory stimulation. She likes her clothes tight, the TV loud, her shoe laces the same tightness on each foot... If there isn't enough noise she makes her own. Singing or talking incessantly.
She seeks touch. She needs deep seated pressure (you can get from a weighted blanket, or coz we're cheap, a weighted door snake) to feel secure.
Her body does issues with temperature. She really doesn't feel the cold, even though she is cold.
Tactile & vestibular senses are the ones she has trouble with. Tactile is explained above. Vestibular is movement. Its hard to explain when you're still trying to understand it yourself!
Onto Jesse.
I'm at a loss. He is just impossible. I talked it over with my gp last week. He could be like Bri, with ADHD or similar, or he could very well be on the autism spectrum.
To hear a medical professional actually say something you've wondered about for a while is a bit daunting. I've spent weeks telling myself the reasons why he doesn't have an ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Telling myself I'm over reacting & reading too much into everything.
I'm going to go back to the start. Back to the baby.
Jesse never liked people he didn't know well. At 4 months old someone said hello to him in his pram & he didn't smile, like I assume most babies do (all my girls did), he screamed. He cried til she left him alone... all she did was smile & say hello.
These are just the things that stand out, that I remember thinking weren't quite normal, but there are reasons they could be normal for him.
At 9 months old he had his first kicking screaming tantrum. Throwing himself on the floor for about half an hour. Nothing I did or said helped. Eventually with me just sitting next to him, he settled.
He still hated people. Didn't like people he didn't know looking at him. Myself, my sister in law & his dad were the only poeple he liked & allowed to pick him up. Sister in law moved away when he was only 4 months old, so they've lost their connection :(
At 8 months old I moved in with my parents, with the 3 kids for a while. It took weeks for my mum to be allowed to pick him up. He'd arch his back & cry. My sister, 3 years later, still can't get too close unless he allows it. which he has... once.
When he started walking, he started to attatch to men. He hated women talking to him. In 2 instances he hugged men he didn't know... One the school principles husband... saw him down the street & he stopped to say hello... Jesse just put his arms up & hugged him. (He got down on Jesse's level & let him).
Then at the Salvation Army. I needed a bit of help & had an appointment with the Pastor (I think thats what he's called). Anyway, as we were leaving, the same thing, Jesse put his arms up to be picked up, put his head on his shoulder so he couldn't see anyone & stayed there a good few minutes, til we had to go. Then he cried because I took him back...
He has a little mate here a few months younger. They love each other. This friend is the only child outside the family Jesse will interact with. They can play all day long. This friends mother though, isn't able to speak to Jesse unless she's careful. If they are doing something wrong, she might just say no, he freaks & starts screaming.
Other kids he might just watch, or he will ignore them & wonder around my himself. He goes to daycare & does not play with other kids. He's been going for 6 months.
He has major control issues. He wants to control everything. It makes life impossible! If things don't go the way he wants them to he will scream & scream & scream.
eg. we go down to the shops. At the stairs I have to stop while Jesse walks up the stairs. Then when he says, I can walk up. I know how that probably sounds, but if I just ingored him & walked up anyway, the tantrum that would follow would be unbelievable. He would stand there, at the top of the stairs screaming. I would keep walking, but not want to lose sight of him. He would not stop. I'd do what I came to do (with him thrown over my shoulder screaming if need be) & get back to the car ASAP.
Then the real fun would start. Getting him in the car. In his seat. & getting him to keep his seat belt on & STAY in his seat.
The sreaming will continue. Long after we make it home & I drag him inside. I might be able to stop it by putting a fave movie on. As long as he's in the mood. If not, I'll stop, put him on my lap & just do whatever to try to calm him down.
This is our daily life. Every day I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. The child is 3 & he's running our lives! I'm trying so hard not to let him, but its so hard when he gets so vicious. He gets violent. Will throw & slam things, while screaming.
I'm fighting a losing battle every day & I'm slowly loosing my mind.
Monday, 18 July 2011
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Home sweet home
Husband has gone back to work, girls back at school tomorrow, day care day Friday. Happy happy joy joy :D
Had an alright long weekend :)
Took the kids to the ANZAC day service. I don't get to go too often, because even though I think its worth it, having kids out of bed for the 6am dawn service they hold here isn't that easy... So out to mum & dad's & their local service we go.
The girls didn't get the point of the day, so we talked with pop (my dad) about family members & the war.
Both my grandfathers sisters, their husbands & I think 2 of his brothers went to WWII.
All of them came home, but Uncle Ted was a POW.
We talked with Jaz about what they did.
He came home with 3 fingers gone. He was 14.5 stone when he went over... Just over 5 when he got home.
I'd never really known what was done to them before. I knew it was screwed up, but I felt sick hearing the things he saw & experienced.
How someone can survive that I'll never know.
My aunty Dyna is 93. Still going strong. She's amazing.
She thinks I'm mum & my kids are us, but she means so much to us. More of caring grandparent than our own were.
She couldn't get to pop's birthday last year, so I'll have to try get out there so she can meet Summer.
Ok, enough rambling, school tomorrow!!!! Yay!
Best go get uniforms & stuff ready!
Had an alright long weekend :)
Took the kids to the ANZAC day service. I don't get to go too often, because even though I think its worth it, having kids out of bed for the 6am dawn service they hold here isn't that easy... So out to mum & dad's & their local service we go.
The girls didn't get the point of the day, so we talked with pop (my dad) about family members & the war.
Both my grandfathers sisters, their husbands & I think 2 of his brothers went to WWII.
All of them came home, but Uncle Ted was a POW.
We talked with Jaz about what they did.
He came home with 3 fingers gone. He was 14.5 stone when he went over... Just over 5 when he got home.
I'd never really known what was done to them before. I knew it was screwed up, but I felt sick hearing the things he saw & experienced.
How someone can survive that I'll never know.
My aunty Dyna is 93. Still going strong. She's amazing.
She thinks I'm mum & my kids are us, but she means so much to us. More of caring grandparent than our own were.
She couldn't get to pop's birthday last year, so I'll have to try get out there so she can meet Summer.
Ok, enough rambling, school tomorrow!!!! Yay!
Best go get uniforms & stuff ready!
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Over it all
So over the pathetic shit my husband carries on with. He's eating his words now, but I know it won't last long :(
This Wednesday is Jaz's birthday. I had the money this weekend, so took her out to the movies & for dinner. It was a really good night :) Would've been better if I wasn't in the shit for doing it.
First, my sister was the problem. 'Is her boyfriend gonna be there?' She doesn't have one... so what if she did, why would I invite him? It was me, Jaz, her friend & my sister. I didn't even take the other kids!
Then the movie finished at 4.30, dinner wasn't til 6.15. So since it's raining, we go to my sisters unit, the kids watch another movie & we sit out the front chatting. Noone else is there. He doesn't trust me, so I tell him this.
All hell breaks loose! (all texting thank God) He cracks the shits simply coz I'm there. No other reason for it at all. Actually wanted me to put the kids in the car & drive around for an hour. FFS.
Then, the chef at the restaurant is gonna chat me up & do this & that. (Sure, while he's busy cooking & his wife is serving us drop kick)!
Then he threatens me with money. He knows I skipped rent this week to take her out, coz I talked to him about it first. He agreed to make sure he had the money to cover it for me!
Not only that, but her present. I need to get it off layby. That, the rent & easter eggs are the only reasons I wanted any money in the first place!
But he can stick it. I'll have a talk to Jaz & get her to wait til next week. I'll pay the fucking thing myself!
I don't need your money! I HATE having to rely on him for money. Its bull shit. If I didn't get the little I get from c'link my kids wouldn't eat, coz he just doesn't care about that stuff!
This is so unfair & I've had enough :( Why won't he give it up. Go live the simple life with no responsibilities like he wants too?
We did have a really good time though :) So glad I did that with my baby <3
We tasted kangaroo, crocodile, & rabbit & mum had all my babies! Including Summer who's never had a bottle before! For 8 hours she survived without boob & drank from a bottle :D Happy & sad about that at the same time, lol.
This Wednesday is Jaz's birthday. I had the money this weekend, so took her out to the movies & for dinner. It was a really good night :) Would've been better if I wasn't in the shit for doing it.
First, my sister was the problem. 'Is her boyfriend gonna be there?' She doesn't have one... so what if she did, why would I invite him? It was me, Jaz, her friend & my sister. I didn't even take the other kids!
Then the movie finished at 4.30, dinner wasn't til 6.15. So since it's raining, we go to my sisters unit, the kids watch another movie & we sit out the front chatting. Noone else is there. He doesn't trust me, so I tell him this.
All hell breaks loose! (all texting thank God) He cracks the shits simply coz I'm there. No other reason for it at all. Actually wanted me to put the kids in the car & drive around for an hour. FFS.
Then, the chef at the restaurant is gonna chat me up & do this & that. (Sure, while he's busy cooking & his wife is serving us drop kick)!
Then he threatens me with money. He knows I skipped rent this week to take her out, coz I talked to him about it first. He agreed to make sure he had the money to cover it for me!
Not only that, but her present. I need to get it off layby. That, the rent & easter eggs are the only reasons I wanted any money in the first place!
But he can stick it. I'll have a talk to Jaz & get her to wait til next week. I'll pay the fucking thing myself!
I don't need your money! I HATE having to rely on him for money. Its bull shit. If I didn't get the little I get from c'link my kids wouldn't eat, coz he just doesn't care about that stuff!
This is so unfair & I've had enough :( Why won't he give it up. Go live the simple life with no responsibilities like he wants too?
We did have a really good time though :) So glad I did that with my baby <3
We tasted kangaroo, crocodile, & rabbit & mum had all my babies! Including Summer who's never had a bottle before! For 8 hours she survived without boob & drank from a bottle :D Happy & sad about that at the same time, lol.
Friday, 15 April 2011
I'm doing it!
I dunno when, but I'm getting my license! (FULL LICENSE!)
I have been on my P's (including red) since I was 17... 10 freaking years!! My greens for 9 of those years!
I'm done!
A few days ago, Jesse, in all his shitfullness, decided to play frizbee with my P plates. One's broken in half, the other gone.
There's nowhere locally to get P plates (no servo) here, so its a town thing (which means driving! lol)
Anyway, I'm shocking for remembering them. DH is a red holder, I'm a greeny. I'd always forget & have either his, or nothing on the car when we shared cars.
We've had 2 cars for a good 8 months or so now, so I've gotten to used to not thinking about P plates & knowing they are there. Silly silly!!
Now I have a $201 fine sitting in my console :( Someone slap me!
***just remembered, also have referrals to get out of console tomorrow***
Just pray I don't go give the RTA yet another $40 odd dollars for nothing!!
*Embarrassing moment*
I honestly believe I've had 6 - 8 fines of the same nature over the past 10 years... I also just realised I best check where my points are at, coz I think its 3 points every P plate fine??? (Had loss of points suspension 5 years ago :(
I suck!!
I have been on my P's (including red) since I was 17... 10 freaking years!! My greens for 9 of those years!
I'm done!
A few days ago, Jesse, in all his shitfullness, decided to play frizbee with my P plates. One's broken in half, the other gone.
There's nowhere locally to get P plates (no servo) here, so its a town thing (which means driving! lol)
Anyway, I'm shocking for remembering them. DH is a red holder, I'm a greeny. I'd always forget & have either his, or nothing on the car when we shared cars.
We've had 2 cars for a good 8 months or so now, so I've gotten to used to not thinking about P plates & knowing they are there. Silly silly!!
Now I have a $201 fine sitting in my console :( Someone slap me!
***just remembered, also have referrals to get out of console tomorrow***
Just pray I don't go give the RTA yet another $40 odd dollars for nothing!!
*Embarrassing moment*
I honestly believe I've had 6 - 8 fines of the same nature over the past 10 years... I also just realised I best check where my points are at, coz I think its 3 points every P plate fine??? (Had loss of points suspension 5 years ago :(
I suck!!
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Kids!
You are not a teenager yet! Stop acting like it!
What is a 9 year old exactly? Tween I think they are called? Well she's not 9 for another 6 (count them!) days, but she certainly acts like she knows it all & rules the world.
I'm so over it. You'd honestly think the overly loud & proud 5 year old would be be up there with the tantrumming 3 year old & 6 month old non sleeping baby, but, no. They are the easier ones.
Its the 9 year old who has no respect for her mother & wouldn't dare do something to help someone else out, unless she gains from it.
What the hell did I do wrong? Have more babies?
She seems to think she should be the centre of my world & noone else should count.
Her biggest competition is Bri. When Bri was born Jaz was ecstatic. She adored every second of her little sister. Wanted to help me so much that she tipped an entire tin of formula down the sink while I was asleep one morning coz she was making the baby a bottle.... (Thank the Lord for breastmilk! I only had the formula there for back up!)
I don't know when it changed. I don't know when she started to dislike Bri. Its really become obviouse over the past 2 or so years. I think since Jaz's been getting older & I've been asking/expecting more of her.
Of course Jesse, at 3 has the whole 'monkey see, monkey do' thing happening. So between him & Jaz poor Bri is being attacked left, right & centre :(
The name calling & violence from my first born breaks my heart :( She doesn't even bother to hide it from me!
She's a stirrer. Almost daily she'll have Jesse crying coz she's stiring him up. Just 3 seconds ago she had him pinned to the floor under her foot, him crying, her giggling at him, amused. But of course she's doing 'nothing'!
She's like her dad :( I always swore to myself that my kids would not grow up to be like their father, but Jaz & Jesse are already there. Self centered, egotistical & jelouse :( & Bri is bearing the brunt of it all.
I don't know how to do this anymore... I'm sick of wondering where I fucked up :( I already know the answer. Its in the genes. None of us would've ever dared to do or say the things she does & she was raised no differently to me.
Of course I was also a young mum. Pregnant with Jaz at 17. So I dealt with judgement everywhere I turned back then. Even now, when I say I have another 2 or 3 at school, I get looks & comments. Most recently from a check out chick at woollies! 'Why'd you have 4?' To annoy people like you, twat.
I've always put my everything into my kids. Sure I've had my drunken nights out. When I was younger, every few weeks when I could, if family looked after the kids. But they've never been left with anyone else. They are my kids & I don't feel right having someone else look after them.
I'm screwed up enough that I don't dare even ask my useless husband to watch them to give me a break :(
'You had them' is the answer I've had countless times.
So I just suck it up, hide whats going on inside, try not to strangle anyone & keep going.
There is no other way...
What is a 9 year old exactly? Tween I think they are called? Well she's not 9 for another 6 (count them!) days, but she certainly acts like she knows it all & rules the world.
I'm so over it. You'd honestly think the overly loud & proud 5 year old would be be up there with the tantrumming 3 year old & 6 month old non sleeping baby, but, no. They are the easier ones.
Its the 9 year old who has no respect for her mother & wouldn't dare do something to help someone else out, unless she gains from it.
What the hell did I do wrong? Have more babies?
She seems to think she should be the centre of my world & noone else should count.
Her biggest competition is Bri. When Bri was born Jaz was ecstatic. She adored every second of her little sister. Wanted to help me so much that she tipped an entire tin of formula down the sink while I was asleep one morning coz she was making the baby a bottle.... (Thank the Lord for breastmilk! I only had the formula there for back up!)
I don't know when it changed. I don't know when she started to dislike Bri. Its really become obviouse over the past 2 or so years. I think since Jaz's been getting older & I've been asking/expecting more of her.
Of course Jesse, at 3 has the whole 'monkey see, monkey do' thing happening. So between him & Jaz poor Bri is being attacked left, right & centre :(
The name calling & violence from my first born breaks my heart :( She doesn't even bother to hide it from me!
She's a stirrer. Almost daily she'll have Jesse crying coz she's stiring him up. Just 3 seconds ago she had him pinned to the floor under her foot, him crying, her giggling at him, amused. But of course she's doing 'nothing'!
She's like her dad :( I always swore to myself that my kids would not grow up to be like their father, but Jaz & Jesse are already there. Self centered, egotistical & jelouse :( & Bri is bearing the brunt of it all.
I don't know how to do this anymore... I'm sick of wondering where I fucked up :( I already know the answer. Its in the genes. None of us would've ever dared to do or say the things she does & she was raised no differently to me.
Of course I was also a young mum. Pregnant with Jaz at 17. So I dealt with judgement everywhere I turned back then. Even now, when I say I have another 2 or 3 at school, I get looks & comments. Most recently from a check out chick at woollies! 'Why'd you have 4?' To annoy people like you, twat.
I've always put my everything into my kids. Sure I've had my drunken nights out. When I was younger, every few weeks when I could, if family looked after the kids. But they've never been left with anyone else. They are my kids & I don't feel right having someone else look after them.
I'm screwed up enough that I don't dare even ask my useless husband to watch them to give me a break :(
'You had them' is the answer I've had countless times.
So I just suck it up, hide whats going on inside, try not to strangle anyone & keep going.
There is no other way...
My blog...
So... Where to start?
Sitting in bed, rocking Summer on my lap, Jesse next to me, waiting oh so impatiently for them both to crash out, while having a heated text argument with my husband, over absolute crap, after a shitty day... Welcome to my life!
The day started at 5am.
7.30 I have 4 kids dressed & out the door. Off to the big city (to us, lol) for a biopsy on an enlarged lymph node on Jaz's neck. Its been there for years, but changed towards the end of last year, getting bigger, then smaller again.
We know its not something to worry about, but its still there, so along with our gp we figure it should be biopsied, just to be on the safe side.
9am we finally get there to be told they don't think its necessary to go that far.
So not happy!
THEN because they decide to rescan, they charge me $50 (rather than $80) for something I could've had done locally!!!!! I took 4 kids in the car (school holidays) over an hour away, for something I could've had done 20 minutes away from home, at a much more convenient time!
Then silly me decides to make the most of the wasted trip by attempting some op shopping... Big mistake!!
But we survive.
Then we get home, unload the crap, unload the kids lug them all inside...
Realise there's been no text to husband. Woops, find phone (still in car) get ready to text husband knowing work is finished & he can now read, to let him know what happened...
First, there is a text from husband. No 'how'd it go' or anything remotely nice. Just a long list of abuse coz I hadn't contacted him though the day.
Reasonable you think? Considering the circumstances? Yeah, til you know him & realise the only reason he needs these updates from me is coz he's so controlling he needs to know what I do every single second of the day! He didn't try speaking to his scared shitless daughter last night to reassure her she'd be ok. Just said in a text to pass on the message... after I mentiond it.
Now the argument has been cut short with a 'night' & all the babies are asleep.
It may be time for me to do whats desperately needed & clean... but I think I'll facebook it then sleep, snuggled up to my little man...
I have 4 beautiful kids I get to hug each & every day. All I ask of my life is for that to continue til the day I die. I look at them sleeping every night & thank God I have them.
Some believe, some don't, some have recently lost all faith. But I have to thank someone for what I have.
My kids might back chat, use naughty words, make a mess & make me want to rip out my hair, but I have them. Here, with me, causing me trouble. The way its meant to be.
I have the world right here with me. I now know just how lucky I am x
Sitting in bed, rocking Summer on my lap, Jesse next to me, waiting oh so impatiently for them both to crash out, while having a heated text argument with my husband, over absolute crap, after a shitty day... Welcome to my life!
The day started at 5am.
7.30 I have 4 kids dressed & out the door. Off to the big city (to us, lol) for a biopsy on an enlarged lymph node on Jaz's neck. Its been there for years, but changed towards the end of last year, getting bigger, then smaller again.
We know its not something to worry about, but its still there, so along with our gp we figure it should be biopsied, just to be on the safe side.
9am we finally get there to be told they don't think its necessary to go that far.
So not happy!
THEN because they decide to rescan, they charge me $50 (rather than $80) for something I could've had done locally!!!!! I took 4 kids in the car (school holidays) over an hour away, for something I could've had done 20 minutes away from home, at a much more convenient time!
Then silly me decides to make the most of the wasted trip by attempting some op shopping... Big mistake!!
But we survive.
Then we get home, unload the crap, unload the kids lug them all inside...
Realise there's been no text to husband. Woops, find phone (still in car) get ready to text husband knowing work is finished & he can now read, to let him know what happened...
First, there is a text from husband. No 'how'd it go' or anything remotely nice. Just a long list of abuse coz I hadn't contacted him though the day.
Reasonable you think? Considering the circumstances? Yeah, til you know him & realise the only reason he needs these updates from me is coz he's so controlling he needs to know what I do every single second of the day! He didn't try speaking to his scared shitless daughter last night to reassure her she'd be ok. Just said in a text to pass on the message... after I mentiond it.
Now the argument has been cut short with a 'night' & all the babies are asleep.
It may be time for me to do whats desperately needed & clean... but I think I'll facebook it then sleep, snuggled up to my little man...
I have 4 beautiful kids I get to hug each & every day. All I ask of my life is for that to continue til the day I die. I look at them sleeping every night & thank God I have them.
Some believe, some don't, some have recently lost all faith. But I have to thank someone for what I have.
My kids might back chat, use naughty words, make a mess & make me want to rip out my hair, but I have them. Here, with me, causing me trouble. The way its meant to be.
I have the world right here with me. I now know just how lucky I am x
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